Final Radiation Round, Difficult LIves, Exercise

Yesterday marked the last scheduled round of radiation therapy, set to end at the close of six weeks just before the year's end.  Sweet Melissa drove me down there to the Davis Cancer Pavillion at UF Health and we saw two oncologist physicians nearly immediately afterwards.  Then I "rang the bell" to mark this minor milestone.  Before that I wrote a couple of sobering sentences into their guestbook. This is that text:

It is good to complete the six weeks of brain cancer radiation treatments, in spite of the headache side effects. My struggles against GBM continue, and it promises to be difficult and challenging. God bless you all!

The reactions I received to this somber message weren't exactly exuberant, but then again, I never asked or prayed for an easy life for myself.  After all, Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee had a difficult go at it throughout their J.R.R. Tolkien-authored Lord of the Rings saga.  Harry Potter also had to undergo quite a bit of suffering throughout J.K. Rowling's excellent Harry Potter series,too. Yet these characters' experiences strengthened them and provided transformational growth because they showed up for the challenges and followed through.  This is the optimistic message I add to the first somewhat abrupt lines.  I didn't exercise this afternoon or evening, but I have confident hopes that I won' t let myself down and will dutifully perform some C-V exercise while watching virtual runs on TV..  More virtual miles to come.  Now it's eight in the evening and I just finished my daily exercise, closing out at 4.8 total virtual miles...

Living One Day at a Time in a World Tilting Toward Mass Cult Idol Worship

Each calendar day is an ocean of moments, one piled on top of the previous one.  When I write on the side of this blog that I take life one day at a time, I'm not engaging in shortsighted behavior at all. It's too easy...and ultimately ineffective...to make more farsighted plans further off into the future when I just might be brushing off what is immediately before me in my life.  While it's good to keep track of appointments and come up with some sense of vision extending forward in time, in the end it all comes down to living through it all in the present moment, making my own decisions and accepting responsibility for them. So it's important to show up for what I purpose to do whether or not my physical or emotional feelings line up at the time...once I'm there doing it, then there's always the opportunity for momentum and motivation to kick in and enhance the experience. I am in my late sixties, and on my birthday in a couple of weeks I'll still be there.  What I want is pretty simple and straightforward: to welcome each new day into my life with the confidence that I will meet its challenges while being actively engaged throughout, emphasizing in my communications with others a philosophy of positive encouragement, health and happiness. I have some areas in which I'd like to improve, and some of these involve deeper social interaction.  Well, so far in retirement I haven't become an abject hermit, turning my back on the world.  Not yet, at least, although when I see disturbing spectacles on television like the one going on for hours on end last Sunday I can see myself enjoying just ditching my TV to shut out all the BS thrown my way.  But at least with this I still have choices: pick a different channel or just turn off the TV... 

The Fallacy of the Dead-End Job

If you're an advocate of the practice of mindfulness, then you just might not need to read this piece about how some of us put down our own employment status as "dead-end".  I recently heard, second-hand, about a loved one who has expressed that her current job was dead-end, with no real prospects for growth.  It was a striking criticism, for I had gleaned from her previous descriptions of her work life that she enjoyed the relative autonomy that the daily routine granted her.  It's a position that demands some physical fitness and endurance...lots of walking!  I think I might have liked that kind of work were I her age...but I get at least her "old" way of looking at work: it paid the bills, she could get through the work day without being bullied by managers or co-workers and when she left, she was done and free for the rest of the day.  I've always worked for the same things and never rated a job as "dead-end" or depriving me of growth...about which I think she meant "opportunities for promotion".  I worked at the US Postal Service for 37 years and had ample opportunities to seek entry into management.  But I was consistently focused on treating each workday as an opportunity to perform my duties well, and when I clocked out at the end of the shift, I was satisfied and went on to what was next for me.  I totally understand that people have differing ideas about ambition and climbing status ladders in their respective fields of employment...a lot of it has to do with cultural values and family structure, as well as with being around certain more alpha-personality types that promote such outlooks and who may be intent on exerting undue pressure. I've encountered some of these pushy folks whose idea of getting to know me is centered around where I rate according to their scale of respect...and that means how prestigious (or not) is my job title and how much money I make on it.  I don't owe anyone an explanation for my motives in job selection, but any revelation from them that they feel entitled to negatively judge me accordingly quickly and automatically condemns them as unworthy of friendship and respect. Back when I first started working for the USPS, they hired...outside the standard-practice sequence of the register list of candidates according to their exam scores...the son of a current supervisor.  He was arrogant with an entitlement mentality, and performed his assigned tasks sloppily, but escaped discipline because of his connections.  Well, one day he came to work full of the advancement promises that being an Amway member gave him.  With Amway, the important thing is to get people "under you", through which you get a cut of their sales profits.  His idea was that eventually he could live effortlessly through the efforts of those supporting him.  Fine if that works, but his sales pitch to us coworkers was that it was better than this "dead-end job" we were doing.  That aroused some offense from me and a colleague, and the matter was squelched among us.  A couple of years later that dude was fired for outright insubordination...since his "daddy" supervisor had already retired, he was no longer under that umbrella of protection and they were only too eager to get rid of this troublemaker.  So that's where I stand whenever someone starts playing the "it's a dead-end job" hand.  Do whatever you want as long as it's legal and you do no harm to others, but leave me alone if you're going to use that bullshit excuse for an argument...

Quote of the Week...from Bob Dylan

What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.                                  ---Bob Dylan

I quote Bob Dylan here with a little hesitation because I lifted it off Facebook...maybe he really said it or maybe not, but I don't think it reflects unfairly on him if he didn't.  I like it, but with one caveat.  You might say to yourself, sure, Bob, you have all that money, so it's easy for you to downplay its importance.  But I would disagree.  Dylan's gone through both lack and wealth and as such can make a better assessment of money's worth.  My possible difference with his above quote stems from his "wants to do" conclusion.  If what you want to do is avoid discomfort and just live life on an exclusively hedonistic level without regard to your health or the welfare of others, I'd hardly call that being a success.  But if you know what you stand for and incorporate some personal responsibility and social accountability into that "wants to do" in a balanced way, then sure, I'm all on board, Dylan: sign me up...

Happy Groundhog Day, If You Can Get Past It

Well, at least according to the media treatment I've seen, it looks like Groundhog Day is rapidly achieving a greater status of recognition as a holiday.  No doubt the Bill Murray comedy with the same name has contributed much of the enthusiasm, but that movie came out way back in 1993...something else must be generating it as well.  We have been experiencing some pretty nutty winter weather as of late...especially down south with all the snow...maybe folks are more interested in the weather patterns.  Then, maybe people have decided to actually believe that animals like groundhogs really can predict the weather...judging from the recent presidential election result, they seem to be more susceptible to all kinds of bullshit, no matter how ridiculous.  For me, the movie, with Murray's Phil Connors character having to live the same day over and over again with no end in sight, carries with it not only the promise of a queer kind of immortality, but also the security of knowing exactly what will happen next in life and being able to learn how to be the best in just about anything.  Well, I'm reasonably confident that when I wake up after going to bed tonight, it will be the next day, February the 3rd...no immortality guaranteed, at least in this fleshy body, but it's still a reset if I let it happen.  Each day a new beginning...that sounds like a good formula to me, good weather or bad...  

Quote of the Week...from Jim Carrey

I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer.                                          ---Jim Carrey

I've always thought that comedic actor Jim Carrey was very talented, although truth be told I sometimes felt that he had a tendency to ham it up just a little too much in his movies.  But his characters in the 90's comedy series In Living Color were hilarious.  Carrey has turned out later in his life to be quite a philosopher, a thoughtful individual.  His above quote appealed to me not because I think there's anything wrong in being rich and famous and doing everything I ever dreamed of, but because I think that too many of us stumble through life believing in those goals and feeling that anything less than their fulfillment is the sign of a failed life.  I like material well-being without necessarily being rich.  I like recognition from others for achievements I've attained without me attaining those achievements in order to receive recognition.  I like to fulfill some of my dreams as well.  But I also believe that there is such a thing as "enough", and once I've reached a level in some area then I'm (hopefully) content enough to explore other areas as well.  I think Carrey was hinting that community and the helping of others as part of a deeper, more spiritual outlook should also be a part of the "answer". As for me, let me take this day and just see what I can do with it.  Then, when and if tomorrow comes, I'll take that day on its own terms, and so on.  And if along the way there are some things I'd like to have and some things I'd like to do, then that's cool, too...

Quote of the Week...from Mahandas Gandhi

Be the change you wish to see in the world.                          ---Mahandas Gandhi

Mahandas (or "Mahatma") Gandhi was the great twentieth-century lawyer who, with his pacifist creed of passive resistance, was instrumental in India's independence and had a lot of things to say about how best to live one's own life.  That in itself doesn't qualify him for my "quote of the week" feature, but the above quote...Rob Dial recently referred to it on a podcast...resonates with me.  In the first place, I can't exactly dictate to the world how I want it to be...well, maybe I can but I would be delusional if I thought it cared one bit.  But seeing how much of human behavior is imitative, I do have the power and authority to demonstrate by my own actions what I would like to see from others.  I believe that many of us are seekers, looking for examples in others to emulate and guide them through their daily existence.  Why not be one of the examples?  No, I'm no Gandhi, nor would I want to be, and I have a lot of stuff to work out in my own life and am far, far from any semblance of a perfect model.  But I'm alive, here and now, and that gives me enough to change with...

Quote of the Week...from Pema Chödrön

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to let another person or event control your emotions.

---Pema Chödrön

Pema Chödrön is an American-born and raised Tibetan Buddhist nun who has written a number of books promoting her beliefs.  Whereas I'm not all that keen on immersing myself in another religion's underlying mythos and dogma, on a more practical level they often can provide some useful insights into living and how to approach it. The notion of "inner peace" isn't just an element of Buddhism, though, and doesn't have to necessarily be tied to organized religion.  The above quote of Pema testifies to this, although if you're stuck...say on the job...in a subordinate position to a bullying and disrespectful supervisor...it may prove to be challenging to implement. Yet I've discovered that I can deflect it all, by refusing to let myself become entangled in conflict, and once free, I am definitely at peace.   Pema's quote is true, but as I mentioned before, implementing it is sometimes difficult...

Quote of the Week...from Sting of the Police

"When the world is running down, you make the best of what's still around"...by Sting of the Police 

The Police, a highly talented British reggae/punk-rock/jazz trio from the late seventies and early eighties, is one of my all-time favorite musical acts...I was not at all happy when they broke up after only five (incredibly good) albums.  The above quote, penned by their chief songwriter and front man Sting (Gordon Sumner), is actually the rather long title of a track on their 1981 third LP, Zenyatta Mondatta.  It is also a heavily-repeated chorus that rams home the deep...but oft-neglected wisdom...of making do with what you have.  It speaks to the tendency of folks to let themselves become mired in discontent and grief over their situations instead of working in a more constructive manner with the circumstances they face.  This spring and summer has been especially difficult for myself and Melissa, and our "world" has definitely fit the parameters of this song.  Not that the rest of our little planet isn't undergoing some trying times as well, and I could easily slide into a state of hopelessness by focusing on one thing after another that is "running down".  Yet in the middle of this there is hope and much to be grateful for.  That doesn't mean denying the tragedy and troubles, but rather to place them in a broader perspective and to realize that life by its very nature is a struggle...and embracing that struggle is indeed the way to "make the best of what's still around"...

Quote of the Week...from Friedrich Nietzsche

All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking.                    Friedrich Nietzsche

Once in college I wrote a paper about the great nineteenth century German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche.  Before I turned it in, a fellow student who expressed his liking for Nietzsche asked me if he could read it.  Afterwards, he disdainfully handed it back, giving me an unpleasant expression and walking away...I don't think he ever spoke to me again.  I guess I should have been walking when I wrote that paper...but I did at least get a "B" on it, and my teacher stayed on good terms with me.  As for walking, I have gradually come to believe that not only is it good for thinking, but as the ancient Greek health guru Hippocrates once wrote, it is the greatest medicine as well.  I say this as the summer here in northern Florida continues to set new records for combined heat and humidity, and after I ran a blistering three mile race at Gainesville's Westside Park. I probably should have walked it instead, for although I felt fine immediately thereafter, a few hours later my legs were both cramping up awfully and my general recovery was slow.  I think that walking is great, and during the next two months plan to do my outdoor races as a walker, leaving my running during this period confined to the nicely air-conditioned indoors.  Besides walking for sport and exercise, I am also a habitual pacer, going up and down the floor thinking...it's always a good idea to have paper and pen handy when doing this...

Quote of the Week...from Sijin BT

Responsibility without authority is slavery.                                       ---Sijin BT

I actually was musing on the above topic and came up with the same result, only with "servitude" replacing slavery.  The opposite is also revealing: authority without responsibility is tyranny...are you prepared to vote such a person into office this November?  But when I consider the first statement, I find that it is the worst element of manipulation for someone...regardless of whether I am at work, doing some volunteering, or in other situations...to assign me a task without allowing any flexibility in executing it while often insisting in exquisite detail all of the specific things they insist on.  When I encounter this kind of micromanagement attitude, I wonder why the other party doesn't do it instead...but of course, it's all about them having dominance and control, isn't it?  Sijin BT is an Indian business trainer, focusing on sports.  That's all I know about him, but he certainly got it right with the above quote...

Quote of the Week...from Barack Obama

When times get tough, we don't give up.  We get up.                          ---Barack Obama

Barack Obama, our 44th president, also happens to be my all-time favorite since when I could actually vote for president, going back to 1976...I supported him in both 2008 and 2012.  Not that he didn't make his share of mistakes, nobody's perfect, and I didn't agree with all of his policies.  Yet he tried to be a leader on behalf of all Americans, and not just for those who supported him...you're entitled to your own opinions, though...believe whatever you want.  I also liked his generally reasonable and positive attitude toward things, and in this stormy time of a serious medical issue within my own immediate family, I am drawn to the above quote of his: that's right, Barack, you nailed it, old buddy...

Quote of the Week...from Max Ehrmann

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.  But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.  Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.           ---Max Ehrmann

When calamities, accidents, and sudden illness befall us, the first tendency...at least for me...is to go into crisis mode, with the adrenaline spiking and the threat of panic close at hand.  But then reason and reflection, once any immediate danger has been properly addressed and diminished, should gradually assume a more dominant role in dealing with the troubles.  This, I believe, requires a personal level of courage and faith that can lift one out of despair and fruitless worry while remaining in a state of enlightened and realistic vigilance while the situation remains problematic.  It does oneself no good to overthink during these times about worst-case scenarios and then emotionally react to them as if they actually happened. The above quote is taken from writer Max Ehrmann's 1927 prose poem Desiderata, and it addresses this very human tendency to overreact to negative events in people's lives. We can only do what we have the power to do, and beyond that, learning to look at things with a more realistic perspective can contribute to a greater personal sense of balance, serenity and gratitude.  I know...easier said than done.  But "done" it must be...

Just Finished Reading Discipline is Destiny by Ryan Holiday

Ryan Holiday is an entrepreneur and author of several books supporting his adopted philosophy of stoicism mixed with Buddhism.   In his book Discipline is Destiny (2022), he uses examples from mythology and history to show how superior a life of temperance and self-discipline is, and that each of us can choose our own way, preferably a life of virtue: excellence in the physical, mental and emotional realms.  The Four Cardinal Virtues he breaks down in the book's introduction: courage, temperance, justice and wisdom.  Discipline is Destiny is the second of Holiday's four-part series on these virtues: he's already written Courage is Calling and the next book, about justice, is titled Right Thing, Right Now and is due for release next month.  This book I just read is loaded with examples of people, mostly famous, who either implemented the author's stoically-derived principles of self-restraint or who fell victims to excess and impulse.  Freedom is discipline, he stresses, while making the wrong choices in life can lead to one's voluntary subjugation to others.  There's a lot of good stuff in this book that can spur inner reflection.  You may not like some of the historical figures he cites for examples, but the examples themselves are pertinent and worthy of attention.  Before I read the new book coming out soon, I think I'll check out Courage is Calling...

Quote of the Week...from Epictetus

If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.                      ---Epictetus

Epictetus was a Stoic philosopher, living within the Roman Empire during the early Christian era.  Earlier in his life he was a slave but was later freed and then banished to Greece.  Many of his sayings form the basis for the Stoic way of life that grew during that period, to the point when a later Roman emperor, Marcus Aurelius, embraced this philosophy.  I ran across the above quote of Epictetus and it struck me as being especially true and relevant to me.  Nobody likes to look clumsy and awkward in what they do, nor do they like to publicly make mistakes.  Yet if you're learning to do something new, then by necessity you're going to screw up a bit at whatever stage of it you are in, and come out of it looking a little "foolish and stupid" as the good philosopher pointed out.  Of course, the opposite is true: you're being wise and smart in stretching yourself with this new endeavor...as well as courageous and strong!  We were in a store in the Oaks Mall yesterday when we ran across an employee who I heard speak Russian...my first impulse was to keep my mouth shut, but then I thought, why not see how well she understands my speech?  I felt very silly even with the basic things I said to her, but she understood it all quite well: a good experience that would never have happened were I too afraid to step out of my comfort zone.  The truth is, though, that I probably could have been bolder about practicing my speech then, but I'm still a bit skittish about looking like the fool...which in itself is foolish...

Quote of the Week...from Zeno of Citium

Well-being is realized by small steps, but it is no small thing.            ---Zeno of Citium

Zeno of Citium, also know as Zeno the Stoic, was the ancient Greek founder of that school of philosophy.  I picked up on the above quote while watching a YouTube video explaining stoicism.  Zeno here speaks of what in our times is often referred to as "atomic habits"...thanks to the popular same-titled book by James Clear, a work that has strong stoic undertones.  People who are fed up with their lives and want to reinvent themselves, in the process throwing away everything they have built up over the years, might be well-advised to heed Zeno's dictum, especially when considering that another element of stoicism is the elevation of a sense and expression of gratitude for the things one has been blessed with in life.  No, better to start small and fit the little changes into daily routines...after some time the effects can be revolutionary.  But don't expect or even desire perfection: it's all a process, a grand, exciting adventure...

Quote of the Week...from Soren Kirkegaard

Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.                               Soren Kirkegaard.

Soren Kirkegaard was a 19th century theologian and philosopher from Denmark.  Rob Dial, a personal development coach, used his above quote on a recent podcast while discussing the roles, both helpful and harmful, that anxiety plays in people's lives. According to Dial, it is our response to anxiety and the degree to which we make our own life choices, taking responsibility for them, that will eventually quiet our anxiety.  But I also just read the book Essentialism by Greg McKeown, which included being responsible for one's choices as a necessity for reducing our lives to the highest standards.  Both viewpoints involve stepping up to the plate and embracing choice and freedom instead of letting others choose for us and consequently run our lives instead of ourselves.  So while anxiety doesn't necessarily feel good, it also can be symptomatic of an effective and courageous life...just as long as it doesn't get out of control...  

Just Finished Reading The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

It was bad enough that I had confused Alfred Adler, the inspiration for this book on psychology The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, with American philosopher Mortimer Adler.  As I began reading it, I was peeved to see it written in the form of a manufactured dialectic debate between an elder Adlerian adherent and a disaffected young person.  The youth was angry at the world and himself, blaming his past for turning himself into a somewhat cynical adult.  The elder was content and patient, welcoming challenging arguments to his philosophy by "refuting" them with invalidating proclamations. I thought that was a bit phony, as was the imaginary setup between the two, culminating with the youth "coming around" to the other's arguments as the book conveniently reached its conclusion...reminded me of the pattern in the old Perry Mason murder mystery TV dramas when at with about five minutes to go the real murderer inexplicably breaks down on the witness stand and confesses to everything. Adler maintained that personal trauma of the kind his contemporary, Sigmund Freud, emphasized, wasn't real, that is, in the sense that the person who holds on to it has a reason that serves them somehow.  Also, it's important to take ownership of one's own tasks, setting up boundaries for them, and respecting the tasks others face without interference or or imposing one's own standards on them.  Adler/The Elder hold that all problems stem from personal relationships, yet true happiness arises only from one's feeling of contribution to the betterment of others...wrap your head around that one.  To the extent that this book, whose co-authors reportedly adhere to their own particular Japanese philosophy related to to Adler's, extol the virtues of people taking responsibility for their own lives while respecting the necessary boundaries of others and living in the present as opposed to past regrets or future worries, I couldn't agree more.  On the other hand, I am more than a little wary (and weary) of gurus handing out rules and principles to follow.  Read it and get back to me (if that's your "task", that is),,,

Quote of the Week...from Carl Jung

The shoe that fits one person pinches another.  There is no recipe for living that suits all cases.

                               ---Carl Jung

Lately I've been exploring various podcasts and YouTube channels that feature individuals expressing their personal and/or professional viewpoints about various topics, in particular on fitness, running, personal development, language learning and aging.  Several of the sites have as hosts medical doctors or PhDs, yet often their advice runs contradictory to one another.  With me that's okay, because I believe I can filter out a lot of what's going on with them...and often they're speaking to different audience groups.  As for me, I am no physician and have no doctorate, yet if you've read a number of my five thousand-plus articles over the past nearly sixteen years, you just might conclude that there are things I approve of and others upon which I vehemently frown.  But the carry-home point you should get is that they are all my own subjective viewpoints.  A lot of what I say and do may or may not be constructive or even appropriate for you or others.  The above quote by the famed Swiss psychiatrist/psychologist Carl Jung crystallizes this perfectly: we tend to wear different types and sizes of shoes...ultimately it's the individual who has to draw the line and determine what works for them.  Sadly it's been my experience that some folks have such a low opinion of their capacity to do this that they spend their existence flitting from one fad, belief system or cult idol to another, ingesting everything without discernment or questioning...and even becoming indignant at anyone who isn't even directly criticizing their adopted beliefs but who is just living their own life by their own individual standards...

 

Quote of the Week...from Trinity in The Matrix

Get up, Trinity. Just get up.  GET UP!!!         ---the character Trinity in the movie The Matrix

Carrie-Anne Moss is the actress who brilliantly portrayed the computer hacking genius Trinity in the Matrix movies.  The above quote happened at the opening sequence in the first film, when Trinity...trapped in the Matrix...is desperately struggling to escape death at the hands of the ruthless and powerful Agents, having impossibly leaped through a building's high window, landing on her back after rolling down brutally rough stairs.  She is momentarily frozen with tension and fear, as she looks back up in anticipation of her enemies.  And then she listens to herself and does get up to fight another day.  Why did I pick this quote?  Many times, over the course of my life I've suffered setbacks, humiliations, and what seemed at the time to be personal disasters.  But lately during such experiences, although for a brief spell I am tempted to say to hell with it all and just stop trying, I have been punching back at life with defiance...nobody with bad intentions is going to stop me from what I need or want to accomplish.  Get up, Billy.  Just get up.  GET UP!!!