61 Miles

 I feel like Frodo Baggins near the end of the movie Return of the King, tending to feel pain and unhealing wounds.  I continue today exercising a little and resting a lot. I value silence and resent loud haranguing.  I am still optimistically guarded about the future: still have an appetite...

Instead of Regrets, Instill New System and "Show Up"

Regrets are aspects of my memory that don't really do me a whole lot of good in the present times.  I can easily get myself into a pattern of regret about wasting my school year evenings avoiding doing assigned homework. Then I can devise a system that might have retroactively worked to show that I at least showed up with the homework, producing a product that by no means needed to remotely approach excellence.  But examining the state of mind I was usually in after a grueling-long day at school puts me into a different attitude toward homework avoidance, and it has almost nothing to do with regret.  Nowadays at age 69 I can see the coming evening and I am quite comfortable recognizing that it is natural for me to feel tired, both mentally and physically, as nighttime descends and I want to eventually begin to enjoy a hopefully good night's sleep. I suppose that, alternatively, I could have intentionally gone to bed (sleep) early in the evening and gotten up early in the (school) morning around five, opening up my books around then with coffee on the dining room table.  As Andrew Huberman has repeatedly pointed out, sometimes the transformational moment for someone like myself can be simply showing up and making a nominal effort, placing a strict time limit on how long and how hard I go at whatever happens to be my project.  I suppose that at this stage in my earthly existence, since I am still ambulatory and can think for myself, this strategy of instilling a new system that emphasizes early morning activity is feasible and relevant.  Let's see how this goes... 

Fatigue and Headaches Dampening Activity for Today

Yesterday, Sunday, was marked by raininess in my area.  I had entertained the notion of taking a brisk walk through the neighborhood, but felt sleepy early on and had a headache...probably stemming from the hormone injection I took a few weeks ago.  After finally awakening and walking about, I found the television choices to be too limited for my tastes: the channel selector blocked my ability to pick good, old Harry Potter features.  And the NFL football wasn't very attractive, either, with only the Dallas/Washington game offering any real enjoyment.  In the evening, that Toronto/Seattle playoff game wasn't very interesting, and it looked as if the Blue Jays were going to extend their series to a seventh and final game.  I'm sitting here a little past five in the morning with my K-cup of coffee and another headache after some fitful attempts at sleep last night...hope today brings more activity and better feelings.  The oncologist said that my hormone and radiation treatments could very well cause fatigue, but that I should intentionally be active in the face of the urge to avoid any physical exertion.  Looks as if I'll be doing some uncomfortable exercises (glad I mowed the yard Saturday)...

Sleepiness and Headaches, Probably Medically Induced, Cloud My Day

After attending church with Melissa this morning, we went to a nearby, very noisy Newberry restaurant for breakfast.  The French toast meal was delicious, but with my headaches and drowsiness I found myself in a state of wanting to curl up into a ball and sleep off the next few hours.  The church service itself, although conducted in good taste, was itself an ordeal to get through...I just wanted to sit back in my cushioned chair and close my eyes.  I think tomorrow, along with willing myself into doing some exercise, I'll make a visit to a local coffee shop for some study and, perhaps, writing.  And I'll make a point of studiously avoiding the propaganda TV channels designed to manipulate my feelings according to their biases.  Just keep brewing some coffee and sit at the table...and try to ignore the rain pouring down outside...

Not Too Keen on Retiree Reunions

The other day a colleague of mine informed me of a retiree reunion he attended at a local restaurant...it seems that upwards to forty former coworkers were there, and of the names he mentioned most of them I knew to varying degrees, many having been retired from my facility/organization for a number of years.  At first impulse I thought it might have been interesting to see them all and touch base on how they were doing, but then I thought that after those first few moments I'd most likely be itching to get out of there and on my way.  You see, even when I worked with these folks all those years back then...and I mean nothing derogatory or disrespectful about any of them...my inclination was to simply go to work, do my job, and then go home.  Now I wasn't some unfeeling, unthinking robot about my job, and I would practice learning, reading audiobooks and listening to music and talk shows while performing my assignments there...I still do all that when circumstances permit.  I got along with most of my fellow workers and, hopefully, they generally maintain positive thoughts about me as well.  But I am not into people per se, and being in crowds of them just won't do.  So when I eventually retiree, save the invitations: I'm not going, no matter how good the food is...