Crying Babies Rule (and Drool)

I was leaving Barnes and Nobles the other day when a young couple walked in, the father holding an infant. Suddenly, the baby began to loudly wail, in a way that babies do which usually indicates that it's either feeding or diaper-changing time. Immediately, as if on cue, Daddy handed off little Junior to Mommy. Inside me, a longtime inner struggle began anew to suppress myself from breaking out into open laughter.

I don't like to see babies in distress, mind you. But I can tell when a cry is based on fear or pain, and when it is based on hunger, wetness, sleepiness, or just plain orneriness. And it is when the latter reasons provoke loud crying from little babies in public that I get so tickled. I like to see how the mother or father deals with the situation, but it's also amusing to note the irritation and discomfort that others around the baby express, especially when they're trying gamely to suppress it. The main locales for my perverse mirth at others' expense are assemblies, churches, theatres, restaurants, and stores. I find it particularly amusing when someone is speaking at an assembly and a baby suddenly begins to howl. First I observe how the person holding the baby reacts to the situation. They usually go down a list of options that could placate the kid. Sometimes, if all goes well, this can take several minutes. Meanwhile, others in the audience are beginning to nervously fidget and exchange furtive glances with each other. Then emerge the coughers and throat-clearers among the audience who think that, by doing this, they can discretely send a message to the parent to "get that brat out of here". And finally, it's fun to observe how the speaker carries on while essentially being heckled by a loud baby.

I also enjoy it when a baby is just learning to speak and is in the babbling stage. Often, in the same settings I've mentioned, one of these babblers will be suddenly inspired to go off on a loud rant, and nothing the adult-with-custody can do will shut the little tyke up. Hilarious!

I think little babies are cute, but I also think that we're all wired that way in order to make sure that they are collectively cared for. Nevertheless, we often find ourselves in conflicting social environments where babies simply don't fit in. And it's here that the pretensions to cultivated, civil demeanor that so many of us labor so hard to present to society crash down, simply because a baby is doing nothing more than acting like a baby. Of course, no one openly blames the baby: it's those inconsiderate parents who won't remove it from our presence!

When the Beatles performed in Germany before they hit the big time, the crowds would shout out "Mach Schau!", meaning "Put on a show!". And then the future "Fab Four" would liven things up a bit onstage (e.g. John Lennon once performed with a toilet seat around his neck). When I see a baby in a public place acting subdued and quiet, I often feel a "Mach Schau" moment coming over me. Or, in Mr. Toilet Seat's own inspired words: "Cry, baby, cry"!