Friendships and Intrigues

When two people form a friendship with each other, it is obvious that there will always be some differences between them. But each friend must be mindful of the dangers in overemphasizing them (as well as repressing them). Sometimes a friendship may seem to be developing, but something comes into the relationship and sabotages it, potentially transforming the relationship into one of enmity. For this article, I will call those dangers “intrigues”. Here are a few of them:

Competition-One of the main things that draws two people together is a common interest. And, in the course of the developing friendship, the two will probably discover that one is better, or more adept in that field than the other. There is nothing wrong with friendly competition among pals, but being overly competitive can breed resentment and jealousy as well, so competition needs to be guarded carefully.

The Organization (Missionary)-Especially prevalent in churches are friendships based on false premises. One party befriends the other, who is at least initially unaware that the whole reason for this is that he/she is being recruited for a religion/church/group by the other (who will grow in stature in that group for this “outreach”). Once the “organization” foundation for this relationship is recognized, the two can often get bogged down in a wrestling of wills, with one trying to get the other to “join up”. This “friendship” will usually only last as long as the “recruiter” keeps after the potential “recruitee”. Once the cause seems lost, the relationship and friendship ends.

Romance-When a man and a woman pursue a platonic friendship, there will sometimes be an undercurrent of romance which needs to be delicately quelled (so as not to damage the feelings of the other). Sometimes one party to the friendship will find out, through other people, that his/her friend has developed a romantic interest in the other. And then it’s pretty hard to go back to that simple friendship.

Gossip-When a friend begins to gossip about the personal lives of others, I get the distinct impression, true or not, that he/she is gossiping about me behind my back. So I immediately begin to distrust my friend and will henceforth be much more reserved and formal about what I share about myself in conversation. When I walk into a room and see people sitting around a table gossiping about another, I mark those people in my mind as being unworthy of friendship with me. And I don’t think that I’m alone in this!

Age-Age is often used to give one party an advantage of the other when discussing just about anything. One side may continually draw upon his/her experiences to dominate the conversation over the other. Of course, there will almost always be age gaps between people. This difference, though, can give flavor to the friendship and sometimes creates a beneficial and enduring mentor/student relationship. But if one side resents the other’s constant invocation of his/her age advantage, then that friendship will not grow.

Prejudice-I know people from all sorts of backgrounds who will pepper their conversations with generalizations about race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, age, and national origin. And there are a few who regard me is somehow being “bad” because I my skin color is relatively light or because I am a male. It’s great to be different, but most of the differences that people like to emphasize speak nothing about traits like trustworthiness, graciousness, dignity, compassion, generosity, and loyalty. And those are the traits that really matter!

Narcissism-There are certain people who, when they walk into a room, expect everyone to stop what they’re doing and breathe a sigh of relief, because “so-and-so” is here! Such people see everything and everyone as reflections of themselves. In conversation with another, they expect their partner to submerge his/her own self and fully concentrate on them alone. “It’s all about me” is the theme of this “friendship”, and only those are either in a dependency relationship or have very low self-esteem will put up with this for very long.

Life Narrative-Everyone has their own life narrative. And within this narrative, we all, whether intentionally or not, make certain assumptions from our experiences as to how people will behave. This can often lead to an unhealthy cynicism about human nature. If you assume that your new friend will eventually betray you because of your life experiences, then you will not try to wholeheartedly develop that friendship. Sometimes we just have to blot out our past and give others a fresh slate to work with! New friends are not responsible for our past slights!

Slippery Slope to Doom-When someone shares his/her opinion with me, I expect to be able to respectfully disagree, if that’s how I feel. But when most of one’s opinions are so starkly black & white & cut & dry, with the only alternative being the-end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it, I don’t really want to interact with this person and become closer, as a friend. It’s not that I feel “disrespected” about not being able to share my opinions. It’s just that I don’t think that there is only one right answer or viewpoint with any divergence leading to disaster.

Assigned Role-Sometimes in a friendship, one may find that he/she is regarded more as a reminder of someone else than as an completely different, unique individual. Even to the point of being blamed for the past person’s shortcomings and transgressions! As we grow older, we naturally see similarities between the people we know now and those of our pasts. But everyone is different, and not responsible for what others may have done.

Triangulation-A friend who triangulates will tell you one thing and act as if you are both bosom buddies. But behind your back the same “friend” will criticize you. The way to discover people like this is to notice how much they criticize their other friends when they aren’t present.

Pack Rat-Two people will often form friendships in the context of being in a larger group. And if one friend loses standing or leaves that group, the other may feel pressure or simply an inclination to allow that friendship to fade (if not abruptly end).

So, there are plenty of intrigues that can sabotage a friendship. And I recognize that nobody’s perfect, and some degree of what I have listed is present in many, if not most, friendships, to some extent. But I feel that the best, enduring friendships don’t permit these intrigues to get out of hand.